dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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