Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
