matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
