Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize