I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
