I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
