Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
