you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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