My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
