anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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