so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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