You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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