I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
