"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
