john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
