Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
