I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
