Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize