Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
