I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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