so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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