Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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