put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
