the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I need to calm my uterus...
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
