you guys were way drunker than both of me
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
