Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
