Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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