i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
