It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
