so that wasnt chicken after all
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
