I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
