If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
It's rum buckets o'clock
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
