Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
