the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
