And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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