I think I died a long time ago.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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