I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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