TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
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