If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
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