she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
