apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
The chlamydia really affected his face.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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