WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
