i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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