i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Randomize
