last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
