Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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