A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
