Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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