go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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