I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
