you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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