I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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