oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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