turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
