I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
bring money and cleavage
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I just gargled with NyQuil
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
