If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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