That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
