You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
