She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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