lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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