This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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