Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
