Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
